


Kiss No Jutsu

by MyThoughtBubbles



Category: Naruto
Genre: Chakra Vampire Iruka, Chakra volunteer Kakashi, Hatake Kakashi is a Troll, Humor, Iruka is a Little Shit, M/M, Resolved Sexual Tension, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:08:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24014155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyThoughtBubbles/pseuds/MyThoughtBubbles
Summary: Iruka gets hit with a mystery jutsu that steals his chakra and in turn, he needs to suck it from someone else...
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 15
Kudos: 392





	Kiss No Jutsu

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HazelBeka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HazelBeka/gifts).



> ~Unbeta'd~

Iruka swallows another soldier pill, winces at the acrid taste, and takes a sip of water. He sets the cup down carefully next to his uneaten food trays and clears his throat as he waits for it to take effect. 

"That makes seventeen," he says, matter of factly. His fatigue lightens little by little, but never _enough_ to feel satisfactory. It's becoming unbearable.

The medical-nin smiles falsely at him, the clear plastic barrier between them catching light and hiding her eyes. "Just run it down for us once more, Umino-san. We want to get as much information as possible." She holds up her clipboard, pen prepped to scribble something inane.

Iruka crosses his arms, mindful of all of the wires poking in and out of his skin _._ Distinctly aware of tiny flickers of energy that hover on the very edge of his spatial perception, Iruka glances around surreptitiously and sees nothing but the bare walls of his hospital room. He notes the medical-nin is unaffected; was it another side effect? "I was on my way to secure B and C-rank mission requests from the local villages when two unfamiliar shinobi accosted me. Neither had hitai-ates. I fended them off and continued on my mission. Soon after, I returned to Konoha. _As stated in my report, filed under UI-C-88420-3702—"_

"We have your report Umino-san, and the Hokage is reviewing it as we speak. Now, how did you know they were shinobi?"

_Oh, for fuck's—_ "The bursts of chakra they shot at me might've clued me in," Iruka says pleasantly. "That or the shuriken I brought back for analysis." It takes a few more ghostly tugs before Iruka realizes he's sensing other shinobi in the hallways. Confused, Iruka shifts in his bed, something curling under his skin and urging him to seek them out. What was going on?

The medical-nin glares with disapproval. "And when did you discover there to be side effects to their attacks?" 

Iruka eyes her unkindly, the compulsion rapidly outgrowing his threshold of ignorance. _She won't do. Too weak_ , he thinks absently, the dismissal flickering away before he fully registers it. "Before or after I passed out from chakra depletion?" He turns to the door again, distracted. _There's something coming..._

"Umino-san, you—"

"I'm feeling rather hungry," Iruka interrupts through gritted teeth as a cramp ripples through his abdomen. He holds up the empty box of soldier pills, the only things keeping him remotely contained. "I'd appreciate a new scroll."

She hesitates, clipboard lowering. "Umino-san, you're at the limit. Anymore and you'll be poisoned."

_Hungry_ , he was so _hungry!_ But the cramps weren't coming from his stomach, they were dispersed along his body, condensing into little balls of agony right where his tenketsu lay. He's empty, again. 

Another medical-nin enters and starts speaking, but Iruka barely hears him, dizziness swamping him. He blinks desperately, trying to keep the darkness gathering at the edges of his vision at bay. Gods, why was he so tired? Why wouldn't his chakra reserves replenish?

"Iruka-san, are you alright"? 

"He was fine a second ago!"

Iruka groans and clutches his head. "Make it stop," he begs.

"Hana, call in the Hokage, he's—"

"I'm fine, just give me a damn soldi—"

A new signature ghosts across Iruka's awareness and he freezes, his mind going blank. Suddenly, he's moving, lurching out of bed and landing on all fours. The barrier seals painted around his bed and the plastic curtain erupt to life and sizzle in warning.

Snarling, Iruka lashes out, ripping open a bandaged wound and using his blood to void the seals. He hears shouting and leaps to his feet, diving past the nins and tumbling out into the hallway. He snaps through the chakra wire thrown at him and tosses back a smoke bomb on reflex.

_"Shit, don't touch him!"_

_"Get a Jounin in here!"_

_"Isolation breach!"_

_"Iruka-san, stop!"_

Iruka darts down the hallway towards the source of the incredible amount of chakra, his consciousness hanging on by a thread as he salivates with hunger. He vaguely registers a familiar face as he pounces and tastes blood.

* * *

Kakashi wakes up in a blackened mood, the recognizable burn of chakra depletion weighing heavy in his limbs as he stares up at blindingly-white lights. _Wasn't he just discharged—?_

"This have better be a fucking joke," he growls, bracing gingerly on the bed and sitting up. 

He's still at the hospital, just in a different room. His anger wanes as he notes the curtain surrounding his bed and the seals locking him in. Someone sleeps in the bed next to his, a head of brown hair peeking out from under the sheets.

Confusion suffuses him for a moment before fuzzy memories come rushing back, bringing with them heat to his cheeks.

He was being discharged when the alarm had gone off, drawing him in to check it out. He rounded the corner and then— 

He was attacked by Iruka-sensei. No, not attacked. _Assaulted_. 

The sensei had sprinted down the hall, jumped on him, ripped away his mask and kissed him within an inch of his life _._ Kakashi licks his lips beneath his hospital-issued mask and feels a healing split down his bottom lip. _Well now, that’s certainly interesting._

On cue, Hana enters the room looking worse for the wear. "Oh, Kakashi-san, you're awake."

"I thought I was being discharged," Kakashi says. He'd be amicable, but if they pull the usual secretive bullshit, he's not above disrupting the entire hospital. 

She chews her bottom lip and Kakashi can feel his own stinging. "I suppose it won't hurt to fill you in. You and Iruka-san are to remain in isolation until we can figure out why Iruka-san is leaking chakra like a sieve."

“Huh.” Kakashi glances over at Iruka’s sleeping figure. "That have anything to do with why my chakra reserves are so low?"

Hana's face reddened. "We're really not sure, Kakashi-san, it's too early to tell."

She scurries over to Iruka's bed and pulls back the sheets to perform a perfunctory exam. Kakashi weighs his options as he watches Hana use a number of instruments on Iruka. Kakashi finds the sight odd; he's never seen Iruka outside of the Academy or Mission Desk. It's surreal to see him laid out in a hospital gown with his hair down and drooling.

Hana finishes quickly and Iruka stirs the moment she leaves. He comes to with a flutter of eyelashes and looks blearily at Kakashi. "Hah?" he grunts and Kakashi grins.

"You're a sight for sore eyes, sensei. Have a good nap?"

Leaning on an elbow, Iruka scrubs at his face. "Kakashi-san? What's going on?"

Kakashi puts on an exaggerated pout. "Come now, sensei, our kiss wasn't that bad. No need to pretend to forget it."

Iruka stares at him blankly and Kakashi smells an opportunity. If they were both stuck here, he might as well get something out of it. They both could. 

Iruka then squints. "I'm not sure I follow. And why are you in my room?"

"I'm here because a certain sensei assaulted me on my way out of the hospital and we had such a good time, we both blacked out. Helluva first kiss." Kakashi savors the growing horror on Iruka's face and the deep flush reaching his neck and ears.

"Liar," Iruka accuses in a strangled voice. "We did not—"

"Your canines are pretty sharp. I quite like it," Kakashi says with his best eyebrow wiggle. "Though, the soldier pill aftertaste is unpleasant."

Oh gods," Iruka whimpers and hides his face behind his hands. "Oh no, Kakashi-san, _I'm so sorry,_ I don't know what came over me." 

"I can have that effect," Kakashi teases and Iruka glares at him through his fingers.

"I'd have to disagree."

Kakashi presses a hand over his heart. "Ah, sensei, you wound me. But...who kissed who?"

Iruka dissolves into an incoherent mess of apologies and blushes and Kakashi can't help an amused snort that he passes off as a sneeze. _How cute_ , he thinks. _This’ll be fun_.

* * *

“You’re going to cramp if you don’t relax,” Kakashi says idly and flips to the next page of Icha Icha Paradise. Out of the corner of his eye, Iruka flinches and bores down, somehow crossing his arms harder.

“I’m fine,” Iruka mutters. 

“If you say so. I do know a few body relaxation jutsus; let me know when the cramps start and I’ll lend you a hand.” He adds a wink and is rewarded with a renewed flush.

“Thank you oh-so much for your concern, Kakashi-san,” Iruka says, his tone sugary sweet, “but shove it up your ass.”

“Do you talk to all your jounin-senpais like that?” Kakashi says in mock disapproval.

Iruka freezes and Kakashi watches in fascination as Iruka’s annoyance crumbles into shock. “I...please excuse me, Kakashi-san, I didn’t mean to offend—”

_Ah, oops._ “Oi, kidding, I was kidding. I don’t mind. Besides, couples are allowed to insult each other.” He tilts Icha Icha Paradise towards Iruka, deadly serious. “I have proof.”

Iruka rolls his eyes and relaxes a degree. He tugs on his hair absently. “You’re not going to let that go, are you Kakashi-san?”

_“Kakashi._ Might as well call me by my given name if we’re dating.”

“Alright.” A mischievous gleam appears in Iruka’s eyes and Kakashi’s interest is piqued further. “But if you’re allowing me to eat hospital food, this is a terrible date. I expected better from Konoha’s Most Eligible Jounin Bachelor. Shame.”

“What will it be, ramen?” Kakashi slides out of bed in one swift move and hisses as the containment seals zap his foot. He sits back down and shoots Iruka a flat look.

Iruka snickers and hides a smile behind his hand. “My, how chivalrous,” he coos. “My hero.”

“Of course, anything for you,” Kakashi says with Roguish Drawl Number five. He takes Iruka’s pupil dilation and rapid retreat as a victory.

* * *

Iruka is most certainly not fine.

Kakashi knows his presence can make ordinary Chuunin and even some Jounin uncomfortable, but not to this degree.

Iruka is _twitchy._ Either drumming his fingers, wringing the sheets, or constantly shifting position, Iruka can’t sit still and refuses to engage in conversation, going so far as to turn his back to Kakashi and hike his shoulders up to his ears. It’s steadily starting to piss Kakashi off. Oddly enough, Iruka has yet to touch his now-cold plate of bland hospital food despite his muttered complaints of being hungry. 

Aware it would be polite to ask, Kakashi stays silent and waits as Iruka slowly grows worse. He has a theory to prove, after all. 

Things go south, _quickly_.

As if snapping a thread, the door opens and a young medical-nin in training wanders in. Kakashi blinks and somehow Iruka has broken the seals and is halfway across the room, a wild snarl twisting his face as he closes in on the terrified medical-nin. 

“Oi, Iruka!” Kakashi vanishes from his bed and catches Iruka around the torso and wrangles him to the ground, trying his best to keep them both modest as Iruka fights dirty. “Sensei, stop,” Kakashi orders and the empty look in Iruka’s eyes is telling. 

The trainee backs up. “I-I just came to give an update—” he stammers.

Kakashi blocks a knee aiming for his crotch and pins Iruka down as gently as he can. “Get out!” he snaps and the medical-nin leaps into action, slamming and locking the door behind him.

Iruka writhes beneath him and manages to slither out of his grip, and much to Kakashi’s surprise, flips them so he’s sitting on Kakashi’s stomach, Kakashi now pinned beneath him. Heat pools into Kakashi’s blood as Iruka leers at him, his gown falling over one shoulder and his hair artfully mussed.

Arching up, Kakashi shackles Iruka’s wrists behind his back with his hands, leaving them pressed chest-to-chest and Iruka with a slight height advantage. “Sensei, as much as I’m enjoying this, you’re not actually there, are you?” Kakashi says breathlessly, his mask falling askew.

Iruka’s thighs tighten around Kakashi’s legs and he calms down. “You’ll do,” Iruka purrs. He leans in and kisses him.

This time, Kakashi manages to stay conscious and is no less surprised. Immediately, he can feel his chakra being sucked away as Iruka’s hands slip free and slide up Kakashi’s shoulders to wrap his arms around his neck.

With difficulty, Kakashi leans back. “Oi, Iruka, snap out of _—mmph_.” Iruka presses in, stealing another tantalizing kiss that Kakashi feels in his toes. More of his chakra drains away. Gathering a shred of resolve, Kakashi pushes Iruka’s face back and hisses at the absolutely wanton fire in Iruka’s eyes and the way he licks his lips, savoring Kakash’s taste. “Oh fuck,” Kakashi says hoarsely.

Iruka strains for another kiss and Kakashi blocks his mouth. A wet tongue licks a strip of his palm and Kakashi jumps as he imagines Iruka’s tongue elsewhere — mostly on his cock.

“Sorry about this, sensei.” Kakashi knocks him out with a swift chop.

Iruka cumples in his lap and Kakashi finally relaxes. He lets Iruka rest in his lap for a moment, tugging their gowns back in place. “The Hokage, help me,” Kakashi sighs, scrubbing his face.

* * *

Iruka comes to feeling incredibly refreshed. 

The jangle of chains brings him out of his good mood and he sits up and lifts his arms. He’s shackled to his bed, more seals etched onto the metal.

He glances over at Kakashi and balks at Kakashi’s even stare. “I did something again, didn’t I?”

“If you know that you need chakra, why not tell me?” Kakashi rests his head on his arm and lounges against his pillows.

Iruka winces. Kakashi’s tone is more curious than accusatory but it stings. “I tried to tell them to bring more soldier pills” he tries. “But—”

“But it’s not enough, is it? Or adequate.”

“No, it’s not.” Iruka fiddles with the cuffs and pretends he can’t taste the lunch he didn’t eat. “What did I do this time?”

“You scared the shit out of some trainee.”

Iruka’s head snaps to Kakashi. “Did I...” He pales. “Oh no.”

“Relax sensei, he’s fine. It seems I’m the one taking the brunt of your chakra attacks.” Kakashi pops a soldier pill. “Not that I mind. This is the most entertaining hospital visit I’ve ever had.”

“I’m glad one of us is having a good time,” Iruka says icily and feels immediately regretful. “I mean—"

“You’d be having fun too, if you remembered,” Kakashi replied mildly. “Try not to wait until your reserves are low enough to warrant an attack.”

“Kakashi-san, you—”

“We’re dating, after all,” Kakashi continues, ignoring Iruka. “Might as well use me for your chakra vampire needs.”

“We’re not dating! I can’t just—” Iruka freezes. “Chakra vampire?”

“You’d rather wait until some other unassuming sap walks through the door? Are you trying to make me jealous, sensei? I can be rather possessive, you know.”

“Stop!” Iruka snaps, his chains jangling with his frustrated gestures. “I’m not a vampire!”

“Tell that to my chakra reserves. At least I didn’t black out this time.”

Iruka doesn’t reply. He frowns and fists his sheets.

Kakashi sighs, shuffles onto the edge of his bed, and faces Iruka, unusually serious. “Don’t misunderstand, sensei. I’m fully aware of how awkward this must be for you. I have no doubts this is wreaking havoc on your prim little world, but consider: I’m offering you unlimited access to my chakra for the time being, no questions asked. If you want, we’ll never speak of this again once we walk out that door.”

Iruka bites his lip, mulling it over. Kakashi’s offer is entirely too tempting. He’s already kissed him several times if the slight swell to his lips is any indication — what’s the harm in playing along?

“Or would you rather we find you another chakra volunteer?”

_“No,”_ Iruka says automatically and is taken aback by his own directness. “Ah, wait, I mean...”

Kakashi grins crookedly and Iruka hates the warmth seeping into his cheeks. “So that’s a yes?”

“It’s a maybe,” Iruka snaps and crosses his arms. “I haven’t agreed to anything. Besides, what’s in it for you? Why are you so willing to help me?”

“Does there have to be an ulterior motive? Can’t I be altruistic?” Kakashi looks away thoughtfully. “Frankly, I just like getting kissed senseless by you, sensei.” He ducks the pillow Iruka launches at his head.

* * *

Iruka calculates that his chakra is depleting by half every 30 minutes. He estimates that he has another hour to go before he loses consciousness again and attacks someone. _Likely Kakashi,_ he thinks as his heart skips a beat.

He studies Kakashi’s sleeping figure. Just looking at Kakashi makes the weird chakra-hunger worse, urging him to indulge. He has permission, doesn’t he? Kakashi had agreed, had _offered._ He can just—Iruka vigorously scrubs his face with both hands, his ears burning. He either does it now or later, while unconscious, and it doesn’t escape him that he’d like the memory. 

With a deep breath, Iruka expertly picks the cuffs. He slips out of his bed and looms over Kakashi. His pulse racing in his ears, Iruka reaches for Kakashi’s mask and instantly finds himself with his back pressed up against the headboard, Kakashi between his legs, and a kunai digging into his neck. _Holy shit._

Kakashi blinks and the kunai disappears but he doesn’t move, his intense eye boring into Iruka’s. “Sensei, were you trying to do what I think you were?” he asks with what Iruka would bet is smirk.

Iruka unsuccessfully fights off a shiver at their proximity and scowls. “You did say I could,” he mutters sullenly. He tries to get off Kakashi’s bed and his embarrassment mounts as Kakashi cages him in easily and moves in closer.

“I did,” Kakashi agrees, “but I also meant for both of us to be awake. Try again.”

“Never mind, let me go,” Iruka growls. “I regret even contemplating this.” At Kakashi’s refusal to back away, Iruka aims an elbow into his stomach.

Kakashi blocks it and tutts. “I never took you to fight so dirty, sensei.”

“Shut it, rude jounin.” Iruka angles his foot to shove Kakashi off the bed. 

Kakashi nabs his ankle and twists. “Petulant chuunin.”

“Pervert.”

“You’re low on chakra, aren’t you?” Kakashi cocks his head. “Starving for it.”

Iruka hesitates. As if purposefully, the cramps return with full force.

“I’ll make this easier for you.” Kakashi closes his eye and slips off his mask. He grins. “Don’t think about it.”

Iruka blinks rapidly, star-struck. Without his mask, Kakashi is _damn_ handsome. “I’m thinking about making you a shuriken pin cushion,” Iruka says with a forced scoff. 

“Well, you can try,” Kakashi drawls and Iruka wants to shut him up.

Swallowing, Iruka cups Kakashi’s cheeks and is surprised by the slight stubble growing in. He pets Kakashi’s cheeks and laughs quietly. How human, he thinks.

“Are you laughing at me?” Kakashi gives an exaggerated frown. “Ouch, my ego.”

“You’ll survive,” Iruka breathes. His heart in his throat, Iruka closes his own eyes and leans in until he feels Kakashi’s lips brush his. Abruptly, the chakra-hunger erupts into a frenzy and Iruka is insatiable. Kakashi’s lips part and Iruka delves in, kissing him deeply and stealing more chakra. Absently, he registers Kakashi’s hands on his hips and Kakashi kissing back, coaxing Iruka to keep going.

Soon, Kakashi breaks the kiss with a ragged, “Sensei, I think that’s enough.”

Hazily, Iruka disagrees and manages to swipe another kiss. His wits return as Kakashi collapses backward with a groan.

“Kakashi, are you alright!” Iruka hauls him back up, unsure of what to do.

Kakashi waves him off with a flippant hand. “Fine. Only...you’ve sucked me dry,” he says with a wink. “Wonder how it’d feel on my—”

“Don’t you dare finish that sentence,” Iruka hisses, shoving him back down. He drops back against the headboard and marvels at how replenished his chakra stores are. He frowns. “I guess I really am a chakra vampire.”

“Wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“...what will it take to shut you up?”

“You could kiss me again, though I’d advise against it since I can’t move.”

“Sounds ideal, actually,” Iruka shoots back with mock consideration.

“Ah, I knew you were kinky, sensei.”

_“You!—”_

“—you jumped onto my suggestion without even trying anything else. How do you know if the chakra transfer doesn’t work through regular skin-on-skin contact? We could’ve been holding hands. Scandalous, sensei, really.”

Kakashi makes a hefty _thump_ as he hits the ground.

* * *

“The jutsu is harmless and will wear off in time.” The medical-nin holds out a bottle. “In the meantime, the Hokage commissioned these chakra-replenishing pills. Take one four times a day with a meal. It should last you about three weeks. If there’s no improvement by then, give us a call and we’ll set up an appointment and reassess. You two are free to go, thank you for your patience!” She hands the bottle of pills to Iruka, gives them a cheery smile, and bows before leaving. 

“You get nice, non-vomit inducing pills and I get a soldier pill scroll. That’s unfair.” Kakashi flips his scroll and tucks it into the scroll compartment on his flak jacket. Beside him, Iruka finishes tugging his hair in his usual ponytail. Kakashi is sorry to see his bed head disappear.

“I’m just happy we’re getting out of here,” Iruka sighs. He avoids Kakashi’s eyes and inspects the bottle.

Kakashi hesitates, disappointed. “I’m a man of my word, sensei. I won’t say a word. Should anything happen, I hope you’ll consider reaching out to me, I’d be more than happy to help.”

He heads for the door and pauses as a hand wraps around his wrist. Struggling not to grin, Kakashi waits.

“Kakashi-san,” Iruka starts and stops. He sets his shoulders and glares at Kakashi. “Kakashi. I seem to have misplaced my medication and will require your help.” His cheeks burn red, and the determination in his eyes is Kakashi’s undoing.

He coughs and rubs the back of his neck, oddly nervous. “Ah yes, of course I’ll help.”

“I’m supposed to take them four times a day, with food.”

Kakashi opens the door and gestures for Iruka to pass through. The bottle is nowhere to be seen. “I’m starving, myself.”

**Author's Note:**

> More quarantine writing for you guys.  
> I don't usually do humor, so this was a fun exercise :D


End file.
